I’m Not Sorry
I locked eyes with my friend as I asked her, “Do I have any problems? Is there anything wrong in my life?”
The only problem in your life is that you don’t remember to see all the little beautiful things around you, and all the things you do to make good things in your life and to help others. And you don’t see the good things inside of you. You’ve categorized yourself as a taker, but look at how much you give!”
It’s funny how being told that everything is great is a lot like being told something horrible has just happened. Your mind stutters, it can’t process what you’re being told. You cry, you try to make sense of it all.
I searched my head for problems to tell her.
I’m not a good enough painter.
I’m not a good enough yogini .
I’m not a good enough teacher.
I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not skinny enough.
I realized all of these are judgments, not problems. I am not where I want to be as an artist or yogini or teacher, but I know, like I know my name, that I could get there over time, through dedication and practice. I know my potential, but I am so scared I will never reach it. How can I be sure? I am so easily distracted. I am almost too social, always needing to be around people. Surely these things will always get in my way.
I spend a great deal of my time feeling the need to apologize to everyone around me for not being perfect. If I actually did apologize, what would I say?
Sorry my thighs aren’t thin enough and I can’t do a headstand, please pardon me for not being an incredible beauty. Forgive me for being human.
I am here to say now I am not sorry. Whether I reach my potential or not, I am sure to help people along the way. I have decided that is enough for me. I have so much love to give to my family, my friends, and my students. And I give it, every day. As I write this I realize, that even if I reach way beyond the potential I believe myself to have, this love in my heart will still be the best part of me.
And this is yoga, for at the core of yoga is acceptance, surrender, and love.